Swinging in the Rain

A sigh escapes my lips.

Back then, love was only a four letter word. There was no special feeling in my heart. All I felt was pain. Constant agony and despair. Darkness was hanging over my heart, like a curse.

Everything slipped from my hands, like water, into something dark and twisted. I was obsessive. Always wanting to protect what was precious to me; no matter how small it was. For example, my little heart necklace with my two different engagement rings.

My biggest focus was on Road, my best friend, protecting her and her child-like innocence. Friends since birth, I thought we had the perfect relationship, no secrets, no judgment.

I was wrong.

Rain started pouring down. The kids in the park started screaming and running to their caretakers. All alone, in the rain.

Another sigh escapes my lips. The scars on my heart throbbed.

Obsession . . . that’s all it was with Road. At first it was just a want. It became a need. Guarding Road was like a human needs food and water. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, I realize that now, however, back then, I couldn’t see it; I was emotionally blinded.

The heartache, the sorrow, the rage, was too much to bare after losing Road. To make the pain go away, I threw myself into a very serious relationship; after a short time of dating, we got engaged. Unfortunately (I realize this now) my relationship with him was also not healthy.

I was abusive towards Dark, my dead fiancé. Not physical or sexual, but emotional. Something much worse.

There was something about him that made me have a fondness over him, at the beginning, anyway, that was more than just a basic survival instinct.

My hands began to shake violently, tears threaten to break free. I forced my emotions into being tamed. It was like trying to hold back a hungry lion from getting its next meal.

Dark was a little distant, but that was just like him to do that kind of thing. However, I was the one at a greater distance. I was always depressed, on the verge of turning suicidal. Other times I was violently angry. I tried to reclaim the anger, hold it back so I couldn’t hurt anyone.

But it failed.

Something wasn’t working. I couldn’t control anything. My emotions and my actions where drowning me, and damaging the people I cared most about.

Everything was escaping from my grasp. When I was alone, and nobody there to hear me, I took all of my emotions out on myself.

Over and over again.

After a while, I was immune to my personal torture, I was numbed from the physical pain. I hated myself. I hated my life.

More time lapsed, and my emotions grew more violent; without any release, I had no lost myself. I’ve done things that would make Death afraid.

For months, I felt like there was no end to all of this.

On the one year anniversary of Road’s death, I was on the ledge of the same bridge that Road ended her life. I was most likely on the same spot too.

The storm had gotten so bad that it was next to impossible to see anything over three feet away. I could hear the waves thrashing about yards below me. Just as I was about to leap in, Dark grabbed me from behind and pulled me off.

Everything about me hated him, I fought back, hard.

He never let go.

Dark kept on saying how much he loved me. No matter how hard I yelled or how many times I punched him, he kept holding onto me. Eventually, I stopped, and for the first time since I was three, I shed tears.

He hugged me and whispered in my ear. I stopped fighting back, and after so long, I felt calm. The storm was still there, turning and burning, in me, but for this one moment, it was still and had tranquil feel to it; the storm was momentarily stood stilled. It was like light shining through the dark clouds. It was a beautiful feeling.

Hope was there, and so was love.

I looked up to him and smiled brightly.